How can I continue to feel these pains?’ I always ask myself.
These pains of nonchalancy, the pain of not having someone to care, the pain of not having someone there.
How do people keep pains? How do they not forget? I want to remember each and every pain you have caused me. I want to remember so when I grow up I will have the chance…
You out every of your frustration on me because I don’t feel right? I don’t get hurt?. You say hurtful words, demeaning words that I won’t have thought in my life you will say that to me. And yes, you did every single time, and I hate myself for always forgetting everything.
They say forgive and forget, but in my case I neither want to forgive nor forget, but I end up forgetting but definitely not forgiving.
This type of feeling is the one I don’t understand, and it really disturbs me. Should I be happy that I don’t wallow myself in the pains you caused me, or should I be scared that, as I don’t remember it—process it. Is it storing in a place for me?
Trauma Box…
waiting for it to unleash? Or have I gotten so used to the pain that I can feel nothing anymore?
If only killing wasn’t a sin…
I’ve thought about ways to keep this pain. I’ve thought about getting it tattooed that reminds me, but no! It will just give it importance. And I have written out my feelings a few times, so when I see it, I will remember, and that is why I’m writing and putting this out too. If you ask, this is meant to be personal, right?, but I just wanted the remembrance.
I can’t even explain to people how I feel. Sometimes, it also confuses me. Some days I’m filled with anger and pain that you have caused me, and some other days it’s just calm. Then I begin to wonder if I was just overthinking it, if you aren’t as bad as you’ve shown me, and if it was just the sprung of the moment...
What hurts me more is that anything you do for me is a favour, and every time na me you go dey use test run like my life is some kind of joke. Well why won’t you even think that when you don’t know anything about me?
This type of feeling..
But am I wrong for feeling this way? I mean, you can’t continuously hurt me or say mean words to me and expect me to forget? No na!
This is the type of feeling I shouldn’t feel. This is the type of feeling I feel.
xoxo
sóreeonit🎭💚
