The Storms after the Storms
I’m Traumatized..

I’m having PTSD -

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
‘Symptoms may include nightmares or flashbacks, avoidance of situations that bring back the trauma, heightened reactivity to stimuli, anxiety or depressed mood.’

Sources: College of Medicine, University of Ibadan and others..

Remember the love letter I wrote to a lover, now an ex?. It never got a reply. Since then or even before then, I have become skeptical about being in love or being loved. I have started distancing myself from people. I feel if I love you, you will end up leaving me, just like my lover, so what’s the point? Even if I manage to get close to you, the moment I realize we are laughing too much, I detach.

I had this ‘friend’, I used had because we are now back to strangers. I knew what I was getting into, I knew it wasn’t going to last but
‘What is the harm in trying’?, just as a friend, right?, nothing much’ I thought.

Until few months after, she spoke to me and in the polite way ever, she said she can’t be my friend. I didn’t ask her why because I knew the reason. I just apologized to her about hurting her feelings and wasting her time. She was surprised that I didn’t ask why and I didn’t even feel hurt.
‘ You need help or you will be lonely for life’, she said
I felt hurt and right back at it, someone is leaving again.

I had a semi accident, one not-so- proper afternoon. Although a thought came to my head
'What if you get involved in an accident ?'
'I was like Jesus!, what kind of thought is that?'
and I was about to get the bus, so I just waved it.
Until it had happened. It was like a dream. Like, so my life could have just gone like that? Not to deep into it, ever since then, I become frightened to enter bus. For weeks after the incident, I kept seeing flashes of that day. The way I was scared, the way I was crying, the bruises and…
Most of the things I was meant to do were suspended, as each day I want to go out, I grind my teeth in fear and wonder if it would happen again. My nights were distrupted by those flashes as I would wake up and will start to cry. These flashes hindered my normal thought process and I will just zoom off at any chance.

I remember how I wanted to strangle a reckless driver, when I eventually summoned courage to step out, one day. Funny but real. I know I can’t but throughout the ride, all I wanted to do is to strangle him, for making me scared and probably it will bring him back to his senses. I guess that’s what comes with not healing properly. This is what being scared is about and the pain I face!.

Months after, I still have the fear. Just being in the bus and the driver is driving anyhow becomes so scary to me. Like my heart beat goes times three that I will just start shouting at the driver and sometimes over react and become a clown in front of people.

Writing this doesn’t mean I have overcome the fear but I really hope I recover from this. Or maybe it’s a good way to make me double my hustle so I can have a car. Either ways it’s God that protects all.

I said I don't want to deep it, but here I am, saying almost all of it. Dealing with PTSD hasn't been the easiest of it. From a lover to safety. Now, I feed insecured. Places I feel so safe are now places of worries, places I want to be far from.